I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
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A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
True?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”