My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
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Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano