“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
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The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My what?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
what the
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.