Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
they really do be looking like this
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Every photo I’m tagged in
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.