dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
In banana years, I am bread.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My dog learned how to text
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-