My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*