Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Grow up never but we old may grow we

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms