The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
peep davidson
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi