TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
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Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Safety first
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send