I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Very problematic
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.