*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
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Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.