You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
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My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Not all heroes wear capes…
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.