In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
did it work
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.