Wait for it! 馃ぃ馃憦馃槤
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Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn鈥檛 know how to explain it so I just said it鈥檚 not a real thing
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
How鈥檚 homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Hotels are back
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn鈥檛 press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn鈥檛 know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.