In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
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If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“No way.” -Jose
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Found the job I’m suited for
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
This guy’s not having it 😆
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason