MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
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My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I have a black belt in leather
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter