How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
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My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I feel seen
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?