Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
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Our lord and savoury.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema