multitasking lunch
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Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.