A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
You Might Also Like
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.