A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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A cabbage a day keeps people away.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.