This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
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Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Yeah. This was me today.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.