I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
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I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.