yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
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I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me sliding into hell like
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver