9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!