I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Just parrot things
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.