Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
You Might Also Like
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids