Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.