You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
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Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim