How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate