Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.