Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
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Travel bloggers during quarantine
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.