If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
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My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I put the p in pants.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart