[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*