My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
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[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
*frowns in Scottish*
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever