My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Never be a pizza!
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers