OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
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Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
#growingpains
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay