ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
How about I get 100% off by already being there
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
car not found
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.