10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
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We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?