My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?