Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
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I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?