Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
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Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
The best plant holders?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
constantly working on myself.