I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
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mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there