Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*