Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order