I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting