For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Oh hi lol
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.