My teenage children choosing violence
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I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.