boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
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I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.