Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
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[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
That’s incredible! 👌
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.